There’s so much to spill and we can thank it all to angry husbands who comment feverishly about how their wives came out to them. Some women disregard her own feelings and stay deeply set in the closet for him, while others “Toss that heifer to the curb.” Wow, that’s love. Devotional, forgiving love. I hope you sense my sarcasm.
Love stories aren’t always about princes saving princess, REAL love stories are about finding someone who loves you wholly and unconditionally. The kind of love that looks at you in the morning with your bad bread, your jacked up hair and eye crust tangled into your eyelashes and kisses you anyway breathing a deep soft “I love you.” True love listens to your heart, says I hear you, I love you and I want you to be happy. It doesn’t pull away, it loves stronger. I can’t fathom not loving someone enough to want to see them happy, even if it means I’m not happy, that’s why I’m still here. That’s why I love him, because he loves me just the same if not more than the day we married.
When I came out the first of many times to my husband he said ” I will love you no matter what. If you stay or if decide to leave, what matters is that you’re happy.” I can bitch a lot about the guy because I know his every single flaw, but he knows ALL of mine as well and loves me anyway. I have not left because he is my best friend and didn’t leave me when I was at my most vulnerable. There’s a reason, aside from a woman’s desire to be with another woman that a lot of these ladies are leaving and it’s lack of that kind of connection. It’s the lack of a spouse that says “I want to walk through this with you.” They push her aside, negate her feelings and and wish it never happened, then they get surprised when she decides to leave because he never really paid attention to her feelings until it was too late. This is something I have witnessed time and time over.
How do you love someone authentically, while still honoring yourself? It is a struggle we all deal with in different varieties. It’s arrogant to assume someone should ignore their own feelings in lieu of yours. I had a long struggle with what to say to my husband when I first identified my feelings towards women. First, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings or make him feel less of a man, because he is definitely not less than for having me. Secondly I was ashamed of how I felt and what that might mean. The implication that I’d have to go outside of my marriage, dissolve my marriage or change the dynamics of my life scared the shit out of me and still do to a lesser extent now, because of his support. Third, I was afraid of who I might become, of how I might grow and that I might lose him in the process. This was selfish but only because I love him so much and I didn’t want to lose that. I was frozen in fear of a loss, that might come because of me. Fourth, I was afraid he would hate me or not want to love me anymore. That terrified me. His love is so vast and giving, I didn’t want to lose it.
Lying to him was never really an option. I hid the truth for a while, but I didn’t feel it was lying. I was just processing exactly what my truth was, kinda like cooking something, it wasn’t fully formed yet so I couldn’t share it till I knew what I was giving him. Once I knew how I felt I brought to him, he listened and then he loved me and gave me his acceptance. It was a turning point in our relationship and my depression. We opened our relationship up, I was allowed to have girlfriends, so was he. We even shared one for a small while. It was surreal and fun. We both had small bouts of jealousy, but as soon as we addressed it, it dissipated. No one really could replace the other. We had no fear in losing each other. His longing for other women ceased, mine didn’t. I have a girlfriend now, kisses and flirting mainly. I think it may go there some day but I’m in no rush. He knows.
Schadenfreude is the joy or pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. What is the word for joy or pleasure derived from the happiness of others? Mitgefühl, which means compassion in German, comes closest to it. We get so lost in ourselves we lose compassion for those closest to us. I have so much compassion that I sometimes lose myself in the needs of others. When men (and women too) feel wronged they get a sense of Schadenfreude when their partners disappoint them so then they want to see only bad things happen. I think this has to be the opposite of love. The real reason their partners flee, even if something could have worked, the insolence and anger created a house of resentment. No one wants to be where they feel unloved and unaccepted.
I have met many gay and bisexual women who have had a successful open marriages. Some have sex with their husbands, some don’t. Some get divorced and remain best friends. The sad ones, divorce and remain bitter. Those strike me the hardest because I feel as if they would never would have survived anyway. They lost sight of loving each other without judgement, either one side or both. They no longer were friends. We have a friendship that surpasses our marriage and even our children. Even if all else fails, I truly believe what keeps us together is our friendship.
I don’t know what the future brings to my husband and I. The hateful men who write me can shove it up their ass. He’s here because he loves me and obviously gets a lot out of our relationship and says so every day. I’m here because I love him and want to see him happy. I may not be here forever, but I take it one day at a time. I honor him in all that I do. I can be completely honest with him. Can most of the hater husbands say that of their wives. Can she be honest with you and still be loved by you? Can she get naked and feel your protection and not your judgement? Are you her warm blanket or are you the wind, screaming in her ear as she freezes from her own self doubt? I am his warm blanket too. I love him unconditionally. There is no screaming, only truth. For some that is just too much to handle, but it isn’t for love.