Thinking straight

I just can’t seem to think straight…WTF? Have I fell down a gay rabbit hole? Or have I been in it this whole time and just woke the hell up? I also feel like I’ve lost most of my senses and I cannot bear my husband much more. He looks at me with sex starved adoring eyes and I just want to hide in the bathroom. What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to get the hell out of the house and find a friend to hang with. Anything to make my life a bit more tolerable. Shit, I’d settle for someone who just wants to hang out and watch our kids play at this point. Just so I don’t have to put up with the constant dick on my shoulder.

How to tell your woman is a Lesbian

So…you think she might be leaning towards the rainbow huh? Honey, I don’t blame her. I’m heading that way myself. Please don’t beat yourself up about it. Take advantage of it till she drops your ass. You might even score a threesome if your lucky. Just understand that you both appreciate the same things, soft skin, soft lips and cleavage…so at least you’ll have some stuff in common as friends right?

1. She checks out chicks with you.

Yes, you might think it’s cool, but honey, she’s not doing it for you.

2. She wears nicer clothes to go out with her girlfriends than with you.

If at home, she is sporting sweatpants, sportsbra and a huge sweatshirt and then dons heels and hooker get-up to hang out with the girls…watch out! She’s hoping to score a drunk kiss or more… Just sayin

3. She gets drunk before sex…all the time

You can’t say no to this cause you KNOW you are gonna get some if she’s sipping her rum and coke but it’s usually so she can put up with your grunts and boob squeezes. If she’s a bit buzzed she might be able to imagine real hard that you aren’t her fuzzy lover but some smooth Jessica Biel look-a-like. (Trust me, it takes more than a few to get to THAT point.)

4. She can’t miss the Renaissance festivals

Boobs are everywhere there! Everyone is flirty and it’s all about fantasy…Nuff said

5. She’s tired and you’re sleeping

She sneaks into bed after you finally fall asleep so she doesn’t have to prove how much she’s into you. If she happens to wake you up, she stays as quiet as she can and doesn’t move until you fall asleep again. She is also usually as clothed as she possibly can be without dying of heat exhaustion under the covers.

6. She’s recently¬† gotten a Rosie the Riveter tattooed on her arm

lesbian rosie the riveter

7. She drives a bigger truck than you

Or a bigger vehicle, or she drives a big rig for a living or operates heavy machinery. She may not even know that she’s a lesbian yet, but she is.

8. She makes you shave waaaay more than your comfortable with.

Do I have to explain this?

9. She flirts with the waitress more than you do.

You think she’s just being nice, but really that hot chick who just left your table is wondering why your lady friend is fawning over her so hard.

10. And Finally… She’s convinced you that you should have a threesome

Again, dude, she really isn’t doing this for you. You’ll kinda be like Susan Lucci at the Emmy’s, just cause you were invited doesn’t mean you’re gonna get anything.