That’s what I thought as we became closer. And I guess I do. As a good friend. I think her vulnerability has no limits and she pressures herself to please others. Was I one of them? Did what we have really matter at all or was it just a side effect of our friendship and her need to please?
I don’t want to be undeservedly given something. I don’t want something that isn’t really mine. Like hearts or sex. My mind cannot grasp at false love or sex that isn’t passionate. I cannot give myself to someone without it being very real. I’m so fucking slow. I don’t want to hand over my heart. Sex isn’t as hard but my heart is attached weather I like it or not. Now I am heart broken or at least wounded. Is this what it feels like? I didn’t know this feeling existed.
The stupid thing is, she didn’t “cheat” on me. Hell, she has a boyfriend that she’s breaking up with (I think.) But she has been hanging out with another guy “friend” who has been saying all the right things. She finally caved to his advances last night. She called me to tell me today. I had a feeling it was gonna happen eventually. They had been talking for a while and he had been saying all the right things. Perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt, had she gotten rid of guy number one and slowly made her way to guy number two. She doesn’t know how to go slow I guess.
It’s so fucking ironic that I finally write something so sweet and and wishful only to be struck down less than 24 hours later by reality. I honestly started looking at her like a potential partner. Like I could have been the girl to turn her and she was already turning me. One fucking bubble bath and I’m a goner. I’m really just mad at myself. Why did I start dreaming like that? Why does it depend on someone else to become a reality? It shouldn’t. Who the fuck am I? What do I want?
I need to do something. Change my perspective… something. I’m not in a good place right now.