I’m hot and bothered

I’m feeling it. The pull. The need. The want. The smell… Ugh. It’s so unavailable to me right now. I practically work in a tomb it’s so quiet in here. I have flirty text friends but nothing serious. I start up with a personal trainer on Tuesday. Maybe getting into the gym will release some of my frustrations but honestly it usually revs me up. Plus if there’s a hot ass bouncing in front of me on an elliptical, I think I’ll lose it.

The sad thing is that I get home and I have this incredibly “giving” man at the ready. He knows what to do. Over 10 years of getting to know each other, he has my buttons down, so… I lie back and close my eyes.  I first try to be in the moment. To give in to his adoration and kisses and momentarily it works. Then it turns into the feeling of being pawed at and used. Where does this come from? I used to really like it. So I go inward as I give in outwardly. He tries all his moves and gets me where I need to go, but still it feels empty.

I go back to work the next day, yearning for the touch of a woman. If I was straight, I wouldn’t be doing this. I wouldn’t troll women for women craigslist ads, as if there were actually any good ones. Ha! If I were straight I wouldn’t be looking at each woman I meet, trying to size up her potential of being bi or gay. I would look at men. I would be loving the flirtations of men, but it just amuses me at best. No, I’m prowling for someone to play with. Someone who has what I need and it doesn’t come in the beer gut, hairy legged, rough handed form of a man.

I want the touch of a woman. I want to please her. I want to put my fingers through her hair and feel her warmth next to me. I want someone who doesn’t NEED me there to make them happy, but my presence makes life just a bit more enjoyable.  I want sex. All night sex. Roll around and play sex. Tickle sex. Feminine sex. Hot and sweaty, midday sex. One-sided sex, both sided sex. But I don’t want it to be something that is expected of me, as if that were all I have to offer, but when I do give it, I go all the way.  I feel as if I’m tingling from my toes to my finger tips in anticipation of finally getting to be with a woman. It’s ridiculous, because by all means I should be satiated by my husband, but I’m not. He merely hits the tip of the ice burg. I know that I have more. Much more. More than almost any man I have ever been with could handle. I’m about to implode.

I’m hoping that as I glide my hand under the sheets for the first time in a woman’s bed, when it hit’s her soft skin, it will send shivers throughout her body. I know it will to mine. The amount of energy I have stored within me may just knock us both out of the bed, like a bolt of electricity. I can already feel it building inside. That’s probably the noise that’s making it so hard for me to concentrate on being “normal.” My distraction is mounting at an incredibly dangerous rate. I feel as if I were an unfed wild cat and am waiting to be released. Waiting to devour it all in my wake. Waiting for the moment of freedom.

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Self Discovery


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  1. Why thank you for that. Now I’m all hot and bothered. Whew you took the words right out of my mouth. Ditto all of it. Did you see my post yesterday about my one and only experience with a woman. Reliving it all has made me all hot and bothered again. I still remember someone saying sex with a man as if it is being done TO you. Whereas sex with a woman is having sex WITH someone. Oh so true. Keep the faith and keep up the cold showers.

  2. Reblogged this on donnacounselling's Blog and commented:
    Sometimes we have so much pent up feelings ,we think that there is only one way to work it off ,but it doesn’t always have to be that way .When we have delayed issues we get anxious , and stop thinking clearly ,that is not always good for us .Ladies we do need to practice a little restraint it does help.

    • sexnmakeupdiaries October 12, 2012 — 8:41 pm

      As a clinical psychotherapist (in training, I admit – but with enough knowledge and experience) I felt a need to reply to this ”counselling” which doesn’t seem to have a theoretical nor experiential basis. Nor does it seem relevant to the post itself! The lady IS practicing restraint. And If I understand correctly, restraint doesn’t bring her much peace.
      I agree there’s always a reason for the way we feel at a given moment, no matter what we choose to call it – delayed issues, Freudian unconscious, or conflicts of id, ego and superego.
      I’m not saying we should do as we please all the time. However, generally speaking, practicing restraint does nothing but merely strengthens our defence mechanisms. Especially those immature ones, namely denial, projection, repression etc.
      Having said this I apologize if I misunderstood either the post or the comment…Would still like to know which theory and methods is the counselling based on, however.
      Sincerely, snm.

  3. Honey, Thank you for that. I feel the same way as you do. My feelings have been growing more and more. I’m so longing for a woman’s touch again.

  4. Wow… I love how you poured your heart into this post, and how it captures not just an overall difference for you between men and women sexually, but how YOU feel that need. Different people can fulfill our nonsexual needs different ways, so why wouldn’t sexual needs be similar in that regard. I found this post erotic and sexy, but also a very intimate look into your mind and your heart. Thank you.

    • Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. It’s hard to sometimes put into words what you feel, but there are days when it is so clear, it rings like a bell in your ear. I yearn for the day I can have the persona I have sculpted here mesh into the person typing this. To blend my desires and truths into my reality. Thank you for acknowledging and honoring my truth, I hope it inspires you to find happiness in whatever sparkles for you.

      • Self definition can be difficult, especially when we have been rigid with it (or made to be rigid by others), and then are forced to confront that rigidity with wanting change. I have read a fair number of posts in your blog, and while I cant say I’ve shared all your struggles, I am more than passingly familiar with all of them. Good luck to you.

  5. As a husband, may I say, you express my desires almost perfectly.

    I want the touch of a woman. I want to please her. I want to put my fingers through her hair and feel her warmth next to me. I want someone who doesn’t NEED me there to make them happy, but my presence makes life just a bit more enjoyable.
    I want sex. All night sex. Roll around and play sex. Tickle sex. Feminine sex. Hot and sweaty, midday sex. One-sided sex, both sided sex.

    It’s not all bad… discovering the “lesbian” side. If I heard my wife come out with those words, I would be so very pleased to find that she’s finally starting to understand why I need her so badly! I need her to be that woman to me. I’m just so stupid that I can’t figure out the words to communicate with a beautiful woman. I never have!

    Touch can speak when words cannot. It’s unfortunate how my desire to close the gap between my wife and myself is so often misinterpreted.

    I’m just a dumb rat.

    Relational problems feeling like they’re rocking the relationship? If I push the button, and sex happens, relational problems can melt away…. along with all the baggage that we picked up between now and the last time we were intimate. And, as I (Mr. Ugly, until she shows me otherwise) wake up every day to the face of beauty that starts me thinking about rocking her world from the moment my brain starts thinking straight.

    But us guys, we’re mostly just experienced at pushing buttons and finding out what happens. If you tell a man “it’s good”, I can almost guarantee he’ll try to do “it” at least 10 more times, even if you say “no” every stinking time.

    Please, be patient, and guide us men honestly when we’re pushing buttons. We want to make you smile. Remember, despite the love and close proximity, we are still from different planets and live worlds apart. I don’t know how to speak to your heart if you don’t teach me to.

    And please, forgive me when I forget to be gracious. It is not native to me, either.

    But I don’t want it to be something that is expected of me, as if that were all I have to offer

    This is where I would differ… see, the male ego DOES want something expected of him. As a matter of fact, the male ego wants to have EVERYTHING demanded from him. And if he cannot arouse it with whatever stupid mating-dance or ritual, it can make him feel useless, his potential undiscovered and unappreciated, which can frequently come across as anger.

  6. I accidently discovered your blog and now I am hooked! I am a lesbian but self acceptance took a very, very long time. Being a lesbian is the only thing I am sure of about myself. I am also a ‘more than curvy’ woman so I cheered to every word you wrote in ‘An homage to curvy women’. I’ve always been a misfit, so being ‘a big girl’ only made things more difficult with self acceptance and acceptance from others. (Most of the women I’ve met are turned off by ‘bigger girls’)
    Honey, my first experience with a woman was like ‘coming home’ for me; fo or the first time in my life I felt free. The intimacy shared between women is mind blowing and beyond description. I wish you the best as you travel this journey of self discovery. You deserve happiness in every aspect of your life. Thank you for sharing and helping me feel as if I am not alone.


    PS: I promise you are not alone xo

  7. James buck Canallways November 23, 2015 — 2:24 am

    Your writings struck me deep. The mother of my 2 children seems to be living your life in parallels. She is so hidden (or at least thinks so) in the things that are done behind my back. It only breaks my heart that her dishonesty, and selfishness was masked by something I thought was true to me. I am a good person, and decent father, and husband. I have my flaws as we all do, however It crushes me to know that the most important thing in my life has goals and dreams that I am not a part of. I am more than willing to be accepting of her needs that she feels can only be filled by the touch of another woman, but I should be a part of this too. There are many types of relationships in the world, and 2 women is good with me, as long as I am involved too. I would prefer not to be a front for a lesiban who only wants me for my offspring, and approval of her family. In my eyes there are two choices, stop bullshiting and be with a woman in the open, or stay with me and let us both have a sexualy fulfilling life. If not you are living in hypocrisy to the fullest. Pooh

    • I completely understand your frustration James. She does need to be honest with you. The only way to ever move forward is with honesty, BUT it’s hard when you don’t even know what your own feelings are. It took me a long time to cull through what I felt and what I needed exactly. Honor that part of what she needs. But don’t lose sight of the fact that she loves you and this is a hard thing for her. It’s not a whim, it’s very heartbreaking, or it was for me, because I thought my husband would get mad and leave me. We have walked through it all, shared women together. Talked about EVERYTHING. It has been laid out on the table several times. Don’t judge me or her. LOVE her and show her how you need to be loved but let her go if you have to.
      PS perhaps you should do a little soul searching as to why she can’t be honest with you.

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