So, I am smitten… I can’t believe how quickly I have fallen for her… I asked the universe to give me someone who fit into my parameters of needs and then she appeared as if some fat cherub also Moonlighting as a genie made this wish come true just for shits and giggles. She’s amazingly beautiful but painfully modest about her looks. She has had relationships with both men and women. She is currently in a strange boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with a guy who is obviously out of her league, yet she doesn’t realize this. He is accepting of whatever she throws at him because he knows he couldn’t do better than her in a million years. She is still unhappy with him, all the while she hangs out with me a few times a week to chill. Most of the time we just talk. Last week we took a long hot bath together that lasted about an hour and a half. We laughed , talked and washed each-other with the intimacy only lovers know, while listening to sweet songs play. It was glorious.
I haven’t felt that connected to someone in so very long. Her skin is so soft and sweet. She smells of gardenias and wears pearls all the time. Her neck is like a garden I long to visit and smell her sweet perfume. We laugh and talk about everything and I find myself falling down a rabbit hole but not too concerned about where it leads.
My husband knows about my lover, let’s call her Pearl. He seems to be ok so far with my friendship toher. He knows what we have done and what we are capable of. I think he gets a bit jealous sometimes, but I’m not really sure it’s actually about being jealous of her being WITH me, as it is, he is jealous that he hasn’t gotten to be with anyone else? Is that healthy? I am fine with sharing him with another woman, but that is because I’m really not happy with our intimacy. I feel more intimate with him when we just play. Sex is very much about meeting an end and less about embracing each other. I told him about my bath with Pearl and he was confused as to why we wouldn’t have sex, after being so close and naked. I told him that it was more about the intimacy and caring for each-other. He asked me if I was going to leave him for her, half-jokingly. That’s not my plan but I’m not hiding who I am from him nor am I going to stop this ball from rolling.
My body reacts so differently to her than it does to him. I cannot control it, believe me I have tried. I have been so upset because my body would not respond to his touch in such away that one would expect. I chalked it up to being dehydrated, tired or not worked up enough, but when I’m even near her or think about our experiences together, my body reminds me quickly how much I am attracted to her and women. This is not new, but it’s definitely more apparent to me now. I used to fantasize about prior and imagined lesbian experiences and now I just think of her. My husband likes this because I’m more receptive to him, but I’m afraid that at some point, that will not be the case…
I’m confused but honestly I’m in a much better place because above all other things she has become one of my best friends. I love this about her. She consistently assures me that no matter who she is with, I am and will be a constant in her life, as she will be in mine. At this moment, I could not ask for more and I cherish were I am with her right now, as scary as it may be.
I hope that I may always choose the right path, however scary it is is, with good intentions and love. I hope that my husband will always know that I love him and his support of my journey of self discovery. I hope that I may be of as much help to him in his. That is all I can ask for.
Thanks for reading my blog and sticking with me through my dry spells of writing. It has been much harder to get myself to commit to a few hours of writing, but I promise to be better this year. It’s gonna be an interesting one.