Confessions


I admit it… I don’t want to have sex with him much at all anymore. The strange thing is, that when we do have sex, he knows what buttons to push and gets me there more often than not. How is that? How can I be so turned off and uninterested and yet I can still achieve orgasm? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to still have that, but I feel as if I need to be coaxed to the enth degree just to oblige him. I feel as if I am living on a two sides of a coin. One side is for him, the other side is for me, and nary the two shall meet.

We had some kid free time just the other day and had little to say to one another really. He suggested we get busy since there was no one to interrupt us. He motioned to “hop on.” Wow, I feel so adored and appreciated. I didn’t respond. How do you respond to that? In a bar, a woman would probably throw a drink in a guy’s face for something so crass. Why do they think it’s ok once they get to know you? I am not a porn star or a fuck buddy. I gave birth to his kids and yet I’m relegated to hooker propositions like “Is a blow job out of the question?” When I call him on it, he says I’m being too sensitive and he was just joking (sort of.) While porn star play is fun on occasion, no one wants to be the hooker all the time.

And then there’s that whole lesbian thing, you know, where I am crawling out of my skin wanting to be with a woman… It doesn’t make his rough hands any more appealing. While my second job is fun and frees up some of my personality, it also feeds my desire more. I’m in a room full of fire and I’m a kerosene dipped hankie… Just the other night a very tall, long haired brunette was sitting at the bar and seemingly flirting with me. I had to hold back because there was someone who knew my husband there, so I couldn’t be as frank and flirty as I would have preferred. It didn’t stop me from being my adorkible, charming self though. I hope she comes back soon, perhaps we could become good friends… Also one of the women I work with has been flirting with me hard core, even admitting to dreaming about me! I don’t know if she was messing with me or what, but let’s just say, I had a hard time maintaining my cool. I totally have a crush on her.

So here I am, between two worlds, teetering from one to the other. I know there are women out there who have gone through all of this just to end up staying with her man, while others follow their hearts, even if it’s contrary to what they’ve been brought up with their entire life. It’s a rough road either way. I cannot say for sure what my out come will be, only that I need to follow my heart. I need to listen to that voice that I’ve stifled just to please everyone else. It’s so loud and apparent when I work in that little bar. I cannot hold myself back much longer or I think I will explode.

Quiet Lies

I sit in quiet lieswaiting for the truth
there is nothing more to hide
when life is all but through
concede to lose
to win again
there is no victory march
you only begin again
half truths hold nothing close
where the pillar stood
now is a post
on quiet lies and counterfeit
of parted lips
and “love you too’s”
grieving loss and gravity
situations unrelieved
I stare blankly
wondering why
I have the wings
why can’t I fly?

speak your mind

About the post

Self Discovery

10 Comments

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  1. Love the comment about being in a room full of fire and being a hanky dipped in kerosene. It reminds me of a line from “Total Eclipse of the Heart” that I used to relate to back in the day: I’m living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.

    You will find your truth. In the meantime, try to stay away from open flames. ❤

    • I don’t know how easy that will be, I’m ready for some kind of catalyst…

      • Hi!
        I have been trying to leave you a comment for the past hour…not sure what I am doing wrong.. I have been reading your site for a while and it is unbelievable how close our stories are.
        I know how you feel and I can totally relate to your angst. I can tell you that it is really awesome on the other side. I finally left my husband and even though I have had zero interaction with women, just having the space to figure it all out has been an amazing ride.
        I would love to e-mail you. I do not wish to lay all my personal stuff out for all to see but would love to chat and try to help in anyway. If interested let me know. You WILL figure this out. I know you are terrified, I was too. Sometimes you just gotta leap and believe that the net will appear.

        ___ S

      • I wrote you an email. Please le me know if you received it. 😉

      • you had that… just sayin….. 😉

  2. I know exactly how you feel. The two of you have been together so long that you know how to make your body work with his to get your needs met. It’s like he’s your own human toy. I actually have a woman in my life who my heart belongs to so it makes it that much harder. I feel like I’m cheating anytime my husband touches me. However I feel like I owe him something for cheating on him, so it’s hard for me to say no at the same time. It’s a double edged sword.

  3. Yes, yes, yes. I have faith in you.

    Orgasm is a physical thing, not completely dependent on your emotional state. Having one with him doesn’t change anything about who you are.

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