Confessions

I admit it… I don’t want to have sex with him much at all anymore. The strange thing is, that when we do have sex, he knows what buttons to push and gets me there more often than not. How is that? How can I be so turned off and uninterested and yet I can still achieve orgasm? Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a bad thing to still have that, but I feel as if I need to be coaxed to the enth degree just to oblige him. I feel as if I am living on a two sides of a coin. One side is for him, the other side is for me, and nary the two shall meet.

We had some kid free time just the other day and had little to say to one another really. He suggested we get busy since there was no one to interrupt us. He motioned to “hop on.” Wow, I feel so adored and appreciated. I didn’t respond. How do you respond to that? In a bar, a woman would probably throw a drink in a guy’s face for something so crass. Why do they think it’s ok once they get to know you? I am not a porn star or a fuck buddy. I gave birth to his kids and yet I’m relegated to hooker propositions like “Is a blow job out of the question?” When I call him on it, he says I’m being too sensitive and he was just joking (sort of.) While porn star play is fun on occasion, no one wants to be the hooker all the time.

And then there’s that whole lesbian thing, you know, where I am crawling out of my skin wanting to be with a woman… It doesn’t make his rough hands any more appealing. While my second job is fun and frees up some of my personality, it also feeds my desire more. I’m in a room full of fire and I’m a kerosene dipped hankie… Just the other night a very tall, long haired brunette was sitting at the bar and seemingly flirting with me. I had to hold back because there was someone who knew my husband there, so I couldn’t be as frank and flirty as I would have preferred. It didn’t stop me from being my adorkible, charming self though. I hope she comes back soon, perhaps we could become good friends… Also one of the women I work with has been flirting with me hard core, even admitting to dreaming about me! I don’t know if she was messing with me or what, but let’s just say, I had a hard time maintaining my cool. I totally have a crush on her.

So here I am, between two worlds, teetering from one to the other. I know there are women out there who have gone through all of this just to end up staying with her man, while others follow their hearts, even if it’s contrary to what they’ve been brought up with their entire life. It’s a rough road either way. I cannot say for sure what my out come will be, only that I need to follow my heart. I need to listen to that voice that I’ve stifled just to please everyone else. It’s so loud and apparent when I work in that little bar. I cannot hold myself back much longer or I think I will explode.

Quiet Lies

I sit in quiet lieswaiting for the truth
there is nothing more to hide
when life is all but through
concede to lose
to win again
there is no victory march
you only begin again
half truths hold nothing close
where the pillar stood
now is a post
on quiet lies and counterfeit
of parted lips
and “love you too’s”
grieving loss and gravity
situations unrelieved
I stare blankly
wondering why
I have the wings
why can’t I fly?