Consideration of the here and now

Ohhh, it’s been a long time really. I have written some posts but many have gone unpublished or still sit within the confines of my mind. I had a gentleman (not sure if I should call him that) start in on the karma that I reaped in my episode of coming to terms with my identity. I guess he’s right in a way, but don’t we all get that in some form or another? For any decision you make, there will always be repercussions, good or bad? I know I have walked my whole life with kid gloves in a way, making sure not to hurt anyones feelings, except my own. I had no idea how deep my yearning for women went until I fell for my best friend. It was blind and stupid but true. My world started to reveal itself in colors I had forgotten about. She is fragile yet so fierce and her beauty is unmistakable. I knew that she was and always had been searching for a prince charming, yet I imagined I could be that too…. She isn’t straight and I think she definitely leans more towards women, but I think she has a vision in her head of what life should look like. I cannot dismiss this because I had that same idea many years ago. I liked women but assumed it was something I could just dismiss. Loving women was just a bi-product of being open minded and nothing more or maybe I just needed to convince myself that living a straight life would be easier.

Either way, it didn’t work. More than half my married life I was so deep in the closet I didn’t realize it. I would check out women with my husband as if I were the “cool wife.”Honestly, I was looking for myself. When I finally decided to tell him that I was truly attracted to women and wanted to experience it, he was surprised but comforting. When I told him about my first experience with a woman (while still being married, mind you, with permission given) I think his heart was a bit hurt and jealous. He only admitted that after a few months. He played it cool though. I was excited at his first response of naughty excitement. Now I know it’s tinged with a two-sided jealousy, which I can completely understand.

My dilemma is this, I have someone who loves me, but doesn’t know how to be a partner. I have someone who thinks that sex is the only sign of a healthy relationship. I cannot seem to get connected to him anymore no matter how hard I try, nor do I feel like I want to. If I leave he won’t hate me but it will break his heart. If I stay and continue as I am now, he will be ok with it and I can find someon who could give me those other things. Settle in this life that I have already made…But that is not my style. I don’t want to settle. I don’t want to break his heart. I don’t want to fall in love with someone else and not be able to give all of myself to them. I am not a player. I never unintentionally led men on or had more than one boyfriend at a time. I’m not that person. I’m not sure I can be this person either.

My dream is to be in my VERY CLEAN house with someone BY MY SIDE as a partner, helping me to be responsible for it all or divvy it up according to skill. I want surprise birthday parties and thoughtful Christmas presents. I want someone who sees sex as a form of bonding and not just an outlet for their sexual needs. (Not that it can’t be, just it needs to be more than that.) I need to want that person like I want to breathe. I want to miss them and hurt with them. I feel so numb and ordinary in my life right now. I guess the word would be apathetic. It’s sad. I go on vacations and my home life is the furthest thing from my mind. I don’t miss him. I don’t miss much.

Last night I dreamt that I was helping some beautiful woman put something on. My face was at her neck from behind and pushed her black hair to the side. I could smell her skin and my lips were just barely touching her neck. I could feel my body respond and saw that she was waiting with bated breath… Her husband then comes barreling in, interrupting the moment and then the scene switches…It goes on like this and the dream gets stranger. I feel like I am telling myself to wake up in real life. My friend has asked me to picture my life with him and without him. It pains me to do that. It feels like a betrayal to even think that way but I think I might have to really consider what it is I want and the only way is to really look at both sides deeply. It is so painful to think of life without him on many levels. Mostly because I know how much he loves me and I don’t want to hurt him. He barrels through my thoughts every time I start to wonder what life could be like. His needs surpassing my own.

Last week I was beyond depressed. My heart was heavy and I couldn’t bear much. I almost told my mom that I was gay! How strange would that conversation be? I backed down and just cried about my life and lack of help and the overwhelmingness of it all. I couldn’t see how that would help me… She would just wonder what the hell was I doing. How can someone be gay and married and living this straight sex-filled life? It wouldn’t make sense. Hell, it doesn’t make sense to me. Yet here I am.

I am lost. I need help. I work out like a fiend and that has helped, but that’s just cause it gets me out of the house and doesn’t let me focus on anything for an hour. When does it become clearer? When do I know I am doing the right thing? Can someone tell me? How do you love someone and let them go?