Down the rabbitt hole

I have included my husband in on an outing with a friend last week and then asked him out Friday night for dinner and a movie. The outing last week was not much fun, as he wasn’t interested in dancing and oggled my friends boobs the whole time. We wanted to  go to a bar that was known to have a “gay night” on Fridays, but he was adamant that he did not want to go there. My friend and I were dying to dance but settled with a sleepy country bar where on occasion they would play something worth dancing to, but mostly you needed a two stepping partner. Something my partner was not. Then we went out to see a movie this Friday, I thought it would make him feel good that I had purposely made time for just him, but it was a predictable night of dinner and a movie. When I told him I was gonna go out on Saturday with a few friends, including one I never see, he scoffed at me and then listed the last two times that we had gone out, “You haven’t gone out enough already?” “Ummm yea, you jerk, with you and I was on a leash the whole time.” I thought. But I just stared at him, disbelievingly. I felt like a scolded child. I was pissed.

Even though I may be perusing women and flirting hard core, I have no interest in sleeping around on him with a man. Nor do I need to go to a bar to pick someone up. I go out to socialize with friends. I go out, to get away from the din that is my home life. I go out so I can breathe again, because when I get home, I feel like someone is constantly stepping on my chest. He’s mad. Kids are crying. The dog is barking and the dishwasher is violently beating my dishes clean, all while the tv is yelling commercials for me to buy some piece of shit something. It’s so loud and I’m being pulled like taffy for everyone’s attention, so yes, I need fucking night out without someone demanding a damn thing from me.

ahhhhhhh….. I think I might explode now.

I read an article about depersonalization and derealization and sometimes, I feel like I am flipping from one of the two disorders at some point. Depersonalization  is a feeling of being outside of yourself without any sense of control. Some sufferers often describe the sensation as observing themselves from outside of the body. I get this way when everything gets loud and out of control. I just zone out and lose all emotion. I don’t feel like I’m existing in that moment. Derealization is like being in a dream-like state where the environment seems unreal, foggy or hazy. I have this less often but the trapped feeling does overwhelm me from time to time. I also feel like I am living in a fog, where clarity is an elusive creature I have yet to catch.

Who knows. Alice ran from her world and down into a rabbit hole to find some clarity. Perhaps I need my own rabbit hole, where I can chase a hare, party with some crazy people and fuck with a queen. I want to be able to learn and grow and you can’t do that staring at the same scenery all the time. He asked me why everyone always want stuff done right then. Well, you can’t keep putting everything off. It will just never get done and it certainly won’t do itself. The scenery will not change by itself. Things do not get better if all is left alone. You have to do something. You have to move forward, or in his case, just keep moving. Anything to keep from becoming stagnant.

So I went. Screw him.

We all went out to a cool bar and had some drinks, met a very loud little drunk woman, and had a few laughs. It wasn’t a flirt-fest with a bunch of guys or girls for that matter. It was just chill. After some shots and stories we decided to head to the local sex shop. My friend needed a new strap on. I’m pretty sure I blushed the first time her plight was mentioned. She’s not hard on the eyes and the thought of her with it…. Brain malfunction…. I digress. After I recollected my coolness, of which I have little to begin with, we went through the store in a quest to find her the right sized appendage. She was determined that we’d be able to pick out a “good one” for her next encounter, especially the straight girls. The whole time my mind is reeling… Be cool. Be cool. Yeah. No. I’m just so not cool. I couldn’t stop giggling and being an idiot. I’m so damn afraid to like it.

Is that what he was afraid of? That I might see a world other than our loud cave and want to crawl out of it? That I might rub my eyes one day and find that I am seeing clearer and I have a direction in which to go? The old adage “If you love something let it go…” is so very true. Because if you are too afraid to let it go, you may squeeze the life right out of it. If I do go, I may never come back, but if I’m held back, it will be harder to return, in fear of being restrained again and again. I cannot grow inside a fist. I cannot explore on a leash. Love has no bounds, so why should it hold you back?

Am I crazy for feeling this way? Is he right for being so jealous? Ugh…..